weaktwos | Do you only care about the bleeding crowd?

Ahhh, life. Life is beautiful, is it not? Often, it is as funny as it as tragic, and way too short.

Recently, a little drama has washed upon my placid shores, and I'm unsure what to do with it.

A brief history: I have watched a heretofore highly respected and admired friend engage in what I consider to be destructive, hateful, and irrational behavior. I was concerned that he might be emotionally out of control. I watched other friends of his who know him far more than I have express similar concerns. I wrote him an email expressing my concerns. I received no direct reply from him. What I did notice were references in his journal that could have been directed at me or his other friends. And finally, we were informed via a public post of his that we would no longer be privy to any of his personal posts.

I'm going to call upon the famous "Golden Rule". Since this person has posted publicly about this issue, I shall assume that's how he wants others to treat it.

I'm having what I have often referred to as a Frosted Mini-Wheat moment about this experience. So, the first half of my discourse will be from the plain side of the mini-wheat.

I have many reasons to believe that this person is living in his own private Idaho. He is hurting, he is depressed. He very well might be going through something far beyond what he's indicating on here that makes him so uncommunicative and intolerant.

One thing is for certain, he wasn't ready for a number of us to express our concerns. As he said, "he's done being picked apart and invalidated".

I'm sure it cannot be easy to have a handful of people that you supposedly care about telling you that your behavior is far less than stellar. It sure as hell is not an ego boost. However, I'd like to think it's good to have friends who will tell you exactly how they feel. I personally prefer true feelings than ones that are designed not to piss you off.

So, on the one hand, I feel very sad about the state of affairs with this person, and wish him health and peace. Also, it is his life and his journal, and he needs to, and should do with it what he pleases. and he can share his life with whomever he wishes.

But then there's this frosted side of the mini-wheat. My frosted side represents my feelings, unfettered by diplomacy. The frosted side is calling "bullshit" on the whole affair. Frosty is frustrated to see such a caring, intelligent person behaving in this manner. Ol' frosty thinks that this person is an emotional tyrant who is intolerant of dissent. If he were a government, he'd make one hell of a shitty democracy.

I don't mind conflict myself, but I don't take such disputes personally. Or, if I take it personally, I don't ignore the person and publicly reject them in a passive-aggressive way. I don't think one should be averse to conflict. Having arguments/disagreements with people is much like a fitness regimen: it doesn't feel that great while you are doing it, but ultimately, you'll feel better for getting your issues resolved.

I suppose what makes me upset about this is that I feel like this person is an emotional saboteur. I've had people decide to terminate a personal relationship due to grievances on their part, without bothering to address them and fix them. Or, in the presence of a conflict, I've seen persons choose to try to reject me entirely because they themselves feel like they are being rejected or invalidated. Such behavior just pisses me off. Because if I wanted to reject them, I wouldn't confront them. I'd just walk away.

So, I'm trying to analyze the common themes to such posts like this, because I have seen them before. Of course, this is a work in progress, of course, but here's what I think is the general pattern thus far.

Anatomy of a Passive Aggressive Friend Culling Post
I. Declaration of changes in journal format. This often includes information about how you the reader can find out how you've been rejected. This includes, but is not limited to noticing that this person no longer has you as a friend or that winners shall be informed of an invitation in the mail, and losers get nada.

II. Various statements that suggest said blogger has been maligned and that offending parties won't have said blogger to kick around anymore. Obtuse references to the conflict leading to the friendship or filter realignment are made, but featuring a distortions, that, if the poster bothered to discuss this with the individuals he's rejecting, could probably be clarified.

III. Quasi-diplomatic language is used. This language normally translates to Motley Crue's sage entreaty, "Don't go away mad, just go away." References to a false ultimatum are made. This ultimatum usually omits any healthy method of dealing with conflict or dissent. Ultimatum often includes running away to eat worms.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I've dropped a few friends off the list (both in lj and elsewhere) recently for this exact same thing. I don't mind debate or disagreement but when it boils down to "You don't agree with me, you suck", it gets on my nerves. Passive aggressive whiny bullshit gets on my nerves.

I especially don't like it when people can't take honesty. I told a girl online via IM that perhaps the reason her life is miserable is because she's making it so and refuses to change anything in a positive way. She told me I was being totally unsympathetic to the suckiness that is her life (her life being miserable because she's single). Oy.

If there's one thing I've learned recently, it's that a post in one's LJ is a terrible way to communicate to anyone on an individual basis. We may not even realize that's what we're hoping to do, we just know that we're upset that we didn't get the response we were hoping for.

Beyond that, since I have some knowledge of what you're speaking of, but am certainly not capable of total knowledge, I'd prefer not to say anything more. I suspect even a response to the general subject matter could cause problems on either or both sides of this matter.

No response is required. No sides are expected to be taken.

And yes, it is a terrible way to communicate.

Ugh ugh ugh. I appreciate your analysis, but the subject matter makes me squirm. Emotional sabotage is not friendly behavior...I hope he gets a grip.

"I'm going to call upon the famous "Golden Rule". Since this person has posted publicly about this issue, I shall assume that's how he wants others to treat it."

It looks like you're doing the "two wrongs make a right" or "I'll treat you how you treated me" rule which is a lot different from the golden rule to me. The golden rule is about how *you* would want to be treated, not saying oh well they kicked me so they must want me to kick them.

I don't know what that particular person was doing but I think there is such a thing as being invalidating and it's not always about someone not wanting to hear the truth. I feel like I've been on every which side of that, and yeah I have had people stop being my friend for disagreeing with them but I just feel like it's too handy for the person someone needs to get away from to accuse them of not wanting to face the truth.

I personally like it better when people do friendsculling posts and I don't just wonder what they dropped me. I know at least one person though I sucked for doing mine, but you can't please everyone.

Eh in that last bit it's "why they dropped me" and "person thought I sucked."

Well, I was giving him an example, since I tried to talk with him in email, and he never responded, short of a public post. Otherwise, I wouldn't do something like this.

See,

I'm one of the people that was blissfully unaware of any issues among any of the individuals on my friends list and I wish it was still that way. I didn't need to know about these things, and still, someone chose to include me, and in some ways, ask me to take sides in a matter that really didn't concern me.

I believe that issues with real life friends need to be handled face to face or over the phone... never via the internet. It doesn't work. It is so easy to lash out at someone online. It is so easy to forget there is someone, or multiple someones who will be hurt or angered by what you are doing. It is too easy to forget to be tactful, or to forget the image of the person you wish to confront.

I am sad to say I feel like I've lost a friend, and potential new friends over this. I refuse to take sides, and I refuse to be part of a forum specifically made to talk about others without their knowledge.

I hope you all finally talk and work things out. I hope that friendships are not lost. I hope that whoever needs it gets help. I also hope someone lets me know if this drama ends, because I kind of miss the way my friendslist was.

I'm sorry if someone asked you to take sides. I would never expect that. It's a skirmish that likely arose out of a misunderstanding, etc., and so forth.

It will work itself out in some fashion.

I absolutely adore this post and completely agree with everything you've said. Thanks for saying things so much better than I ever could.

I don't view myself as heroic so much as bitchy, really.

I'll take the designation of Bitch Goddess, though. ;-)

It's been so hard to try my best to stay completely out not being in the middle here, and being open to both people.

Of course, it becomes easier as there's no personal relationship with either, but it's still been awkward..

I'm just glad to be "friends" with all these folks..including you of course.

You know, I think it's okay to get upset with a friend and have it out once in a while. I don't expect anyone to take sides on this one. I took issue with his method of delivery and demonstrated my annoyance accordingly.

I just wanted to let you know I respect your feelings. I also feel great that you don't expect anyone to take sides, especially someone like me, who just caught caught in crossfire over the internet and is just trying to figure it all out...

which at least is better than trying to figure out the crossfire happening in my everyday off the internet life.

Do you only care about the bleeding crowd?

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You're my hero.

Re: You're my hero.

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