This week's horoscope for Libra...

With very special thanks to the Onion:

Libra: You won't be hit by a bus this week, exactly. Circumstances will unfold so that you're traveling at almost 100 miles an hour when you strike a stationary bus.


Awww yeah. Now that's what I'm talkin' 'bout.

The Answer!

At long last, The Onion has the answer to America's Obesity problem.

WASHINGTON, DC—America's morbidly obese are hungry. For years, the processed-food industry has desperately tried to placate them with empty-calorie foodstuffs with a satisfying texture, but their appetites have proven insatiable. A new report released Monday by the National Health Council, however, suggests that the answer to morbidly obese Americans' problems could be standing right behind them in the buffet line.