Untitled

[weaktwos]

Mupdatage:
I was at rubbrduckage's abode tonight playing a cutthroat game of Killer Bunnies with her and C. I got reamed both times due to a little rule from the Zodiac expansion deck and the fact that I only had one bunny to my name. It was funny as hell,and yet, revenge will be mine next week.

Rambling:
There was talk today that was on par with the timeless whine of "Nice guys finish last." I consider this phrase to be an issue of improperly defining the problem. The problem is not that the guy is nice. It's not about how nice you are. Everyone can be nice. Everyone is nice to the object of their affection, barring abusive relationships. However, abuse doesn't often manifest during the courtship, when everything is lovey-dovey. The guys who "get the girl" are perceived as assholes most likely because they got the girl. Odds are high that many people think the lonely nice guy can be an asshole too.

When someone whines about being a nice person and not being able to get dates, what is really happening is that you have been unable to obtain the necessary degree of mutual attraction to get that date. Life is full of situations where attractions are mismatched. One person likes the other more.

Furthermore, certain people possess traits that are attractive to a larger demographic, while others appeal to smaller, more specialized groups. So, some folks have a narrower field of prospective dates, especially if you don't spend a lot of time meeting new people. By traits, it could be anything from physical characteristics on up to emotional characteristics.

And then there are traits that could simply drive a person up the wall in a romantic situation. Folks can be friends with a lot of people that they couldn't possibly stand to spend extensive amounts of intimate time with. As friends, you can exchange knowledge/stories for a few hours, and then leave before any annoying habits render one homicidal. And so, when person A possesses some traits that person B finds highly annoying, and A asks B out, B will try to say something positive to cushion the pending rejection. And usually, the compliment is that you're nice. And it's true. On a friendly basis, everyone is nice. It's not like A is a puppy-killing baby-eater, so A is not worthy of scorn and bannishment. However, B is not suitably interested in A to remotely risk blending genetic code.

So what's the solution, lonely "nice" men of the world? Keep meeting people who share your interests. It's all about the law of large numbers. Somewhere out there is someone who is compatible with you. There are many someones, actually. But they may not be in your current circle of friends. But please, please. Drop the "nice guys finish last/assholes get the girl" complaint.

Comments

[darness.livejournal.com]

Hear hear. Well said.

[notspam.livejournal.com]

Nice guys finish last." I consider this phrase to be an issue of improperly defining the problem. The problem is not that the guy is nice. It's not about how nice you are.

I think that it is often also about defining what the term "nice" means. Many people (many of the so-called "nice" guys I have known) consider "nice" to be the equivalent of being a doormat, a "yes man". In which case yeah, I think theres not so many women out there who want someone like that - someone with few opinions of their own who doesn't ever try to get "their way" but tries hard to "make the woman happy". It is in itself its own form of manipulation when you get right down to it - and most of the times I've heard a so-called "nice" man whining about how "nice guys can't get the girl" it is because they have been coming from this sort of perspective and subtle manipulation such as trying to "make someone happy" is often less easy to tolerate than being with someone who is a straightforward jerk.

[tenebrosity.livejournal.com]

*cough*
i know a person or two that could use reading this post.

very well put.

[weaktwos.livejournal.com]

Yeah "nice" as passive aggressive is not attractive, either.

[chanharrison.livejournal.com]

that is an interesting point of view not sure whether i agree or disagree with it.. but interesting..

[dangermouse74.livejournal.com]

basically you're saying this doesn't exist. i think that's bunk.

When someone whines about being a nice person and not being able to get dates, what is really happening is that you have been unable to obtain the necessary degree of mutual attraction to get that date. Life is full of situations where attractions are mismatched. One person likes the other more.
That is not special to this case, what you're saying is that is *always* the case, since the general case is this is why that happens. and while that's true, i mean you can boil anythign down to attraction "i'm not attracted to jerks" that pretty much is a trivial statement.

again what follows is also good sense advice that applies to the general case. in many cases this is true. and as mentioned below, being passive aggressive isn't great either.

So while i would agree with you in regards to there are often many reasons why things are not working out, this also isn't a myth. I don't use that phrase anymore, i've changed and grown up and out grown it. indeed if you are too nice, that gets you nowhere, you have to have a spine and put your foot down sometimes. you have your what you will and won't do, but you still think of aand care for her.

there are those guys that get off on teating a woman like dirt or just not caring about what she thinks or wants. and there are girls who like that. Often they go for looks or that type is considered impressive. And guys can be shallow and go solely for looks too, certainly that swings both ways.

but with women, in my experience is, they come around when they grow up. In general, around 25-30 years old. after they have been burned by these people, realized they aren't going to change them, and are tired of the bad boy who really doesn't care abotut hem or make them happy, they come to their senses. as most guys do and start thinking gee maybe i should consider a woman's personality, since just looking at her isn't going to make me happy. unfortunately, they are often damaged and more wary by then but hey, life teaches you lessons the hard way, we've all been thru shit to varying degrees.

So while your "solution" is apropos, i disagree with the need to drop the complaint entirely. If you're just clueless and using that line as an excuse, then just meeting more people isn't even enough, you need to fix yourself first. I still have a friend who can't do this, and it took me several years and some meds for depression. I'm far fromt he expert but that just got me to "normal" (whatever that is hehe). And once you've reached a certain age, that also tends more to go out the window as people grow up and mentalities change. But to paint it entirely as a myth i think is a disservice personally, we might just agree to disagree. It generally does take more than being "nice" for a woman to be interested in you, and being a doormat seems unattractive to most.