weaktwos

An experience in the Target parking lot inspired me to write this whimsical little piece. I felt the need for a new breed of Superhero...

Annette Parkins was a mild-mannered high school senior who excelled in all varieties of subjects. While on a school science field trip to the San Marino Science Museum and Petting Zoo, she was bitten by a radioactive mountain goat. Aside from the bite and some partially chewed currency in her pocket, Annette thought she was otherwise unharmed. Later that night, however, she realized she was undergoing certain changes. Like the ability to morph into a humanoid goat when angered by rampant stupidity and to scale extremely steep surfaces. Oh, and she could gallop at the speed of light, too.

Through experience, trial and error, she managed to hone her skills and defeat stupidity and encourage unity via her roguish, goat-like ways. She became...

THE SCAPEGOAT!

Annette was on her way to Bullseye, a merchant reputed for reasonably priced merchandise for all your living needs. She had just parked truck, an old beat up Dodge Ram. As she was strolling into the store, she saw three cars at an impasse in the lane. One was backing out, and two were competing for the same spot. She heard whiny voices scoff at each other. "You know, you’re blocking everyone! Nobody can go anywhere," said one driver, clearly the cousin to Fran Dresher, were her voice any valid indication. The other vehicle, a white minivan was indeed parked to thwart Fran’s cousin from getting into the parking spot.

Whinier, hostile words were exchanged. Annette could feel her annoyance mounting. Of all the pathetic reasons to get in an argument, fighting over a parking spot was one of them. One or both of them should get going and find one of the bazillion parking spots that might require them to walk their ass an extra 100 feet to get into the Bullseye.

She could feel the transition beginning. She dodged between a parked car and a discarded reddish-orange shopping cart and morphed into the Scapegoat. She was a cute little she-goat, compete with a little red cape with the letters "SG" written on it.

She sprung out from her hiding spot. Like a white streak with hooves, she jumped on the roof of the minivan and with a mighty battle bleat began her work.

The driver of the van, too horrified to understand for certain what was going on, thought some monster was Riverdancing on her roof. Fran’s cousin in the sedan couldn’t exactly make out what was happening, either. Before she could register what was on top of the van, the Scapegoat was on top of the sedan, hoofing her calling card onto the sedan roof.

The claims report submitted by the minivan driver described a white-furred, goat-like creature prancing on the roof of the sedan, scrawling "Asshole" on the roof of the sedan. The goat seemed to be wearing a little red cape and a matching red mask, similar to that of the Lone Ranger. For a moment the goat appeared to have a curled lip, with a righteous glint in its eye. As fast as the strange beast came, it was gone in a red-white blur and the echo of hooves.

Neither the minivan driver nor the sedan driver cared about the parking spot any further. They found other parking spots nearby to examine their car damage and try to piece together what had happened. Bonded in their shared experience, they became friends. They had realized that some things in life were more important, like human decency, and avoiding rabid goats. Their respective claims handlers covered the damage to their vehicle, but both had flags on their accounts suggesting possible dementia.

Shortly there after, Annette had returned to her human form and resumed walking into Bullseye to complete her errands.